The past few days have not been particularly fantastic for me. Rather, they have been disappointing and dreary, and I have to let it out. These 3 things in particular leave me feeling especially disgruntled.

1. PW Results (Friday) - Where do I even begin with this? I know that some people in my class are happy with their B, but I most certainly am not. And I know really well that Joel isn't exactly a happy camper either. His face went black I worked really hard for this bloody subject. As did he. As did my project work tutor. And as such, it feels horrendously miserable to not get a distinction. Its like the gold sticker that a kindergarten teacher would award a child for his or her efforts. But I rest my case, whatever I got was in accordance to the will of God, and this I will accept it. Whether I am happy or not, is entirely another matter, but no degree of sadness/anger/disappointment can change this. God help me with this.

2. BT1 Results - Econs: S, GP: C, Physics: S, Mathematics: U. I have not got back my literature results (that'll come tomorrow), but I already know that it won't be good. Heck, my results this time around are horrendous, and I am truly mortified by them. It was not about clearing the necessary rank points (though this time around, it'll be impossible), but it was about the lost pride - pride in doing something well.

3. Piano Grade 7 Results (Today) - I do not quite remember when I decided to pick up piano again, but I most certainly know why. I thought it was a shame to discard something that I have been enjoying (well mostly at least) for the past 12 years of my life, merely for the pursuit of a 2 year academic programme. I think I stretched myself a little too thinly with this pursuit, but I most certainly did not want to receive a mere pass (117/150) for this.

There are other [comparatively] minor things that have peeved me lately: The Wuthering Heights reading quizzes, the workload at school, the lack of chances/time to wander around (I find this really therapeutic) just to name a few.

Evidently, they are mostly/all related to results or academics, and I am starting to feel marginally disillusioned with the concept of education in Singapore. Slaving off gives you merely mediocrity. And the worse bit is when its close to excellence, but falls short, marginally. You still feel equally shitty, instead of feeling relief that you have rose above mediocrity. You still curse at yourself for your inadequacies. You still wallow in sorrow over the lost opportunity. In essence, you feel disappointment. I sincerely hope that what Henry Ward said is true, that "one's best success comes after their greatest disappointments." I am rambling.

I truly fear I am losing the passion to do things [well]. Or rather, that I am losing the capacity to do so.

God help me.