As it was for the past few weeks, Sunday (29 April) was a particularly emotional day for me, albeit to an even greater degree than it was in the past. Being at church, I wept my heart out, crying out to the Lord for both strength (for) and respite from my present situation as a rifleman trainee. Its not that the training is especially tough (not presently at least, and I'm definitely sure that it pales in comparison to those in SCS, OCS or Guards), but it pains me to struggle in a circumstance that I did not want to end up in. God's answer to these prayers - To trust that He has a clear path demarcated for me. It was also my first time experiencing a phenomena that is quite entrenched in the Pentecostal form of worship - being slain in the spirit. It was absolutely surreal, at that particular moment when you fall, no amount of controlling your body seems to be able to control your body's impulsion to drop to the ground, and when you finally regain control (a mere moment later), it's too late.

But that is more of a precursor to the week that lay ahead (AIT, Week 3).

30.04.12 The day started quite decently, as opposed to the sleep that I got the night before (I was ushered back into camp life by a lot of mosquito bites in my sleep), where the morning wasn't too hot - that made morning PT fairly bearable. Despite the PT session being one focused on strength training, I was surprised to find it quite manageable - tiring nevertheless, but manageable. Subsequently, we did something known as section drills, this too was quite relaxed - I suppose it had something to do with the following day being a public holiday (the sergeants are humans too). With the afternoon's CO talk cancelled, the rest of the day was spent doing area cleaning, allowing us to finally book out by 6.45pm - the earliest ever yet.

01.05.12 May Day offered me a respite from camp life, and it was a day beautifully spent. Punggol Waterway proved a wonderful place for a relaxed morning walk, and a hobo-like breakfast with the folks on a park bench - it's so very nice to see people live so leisurely, I suppose there's a certain je ne sais quoi to it. Lunch was a simple dim sum meal at 112 Katong - it wasn't so much where or what was consumed, but the fact that it was a meal shared with my loved ones.

02.05.12 Waking up [early] in the morning has always been something that I struggle with; I just realised that I will never get sufficient sleep (i.e. at least 7 hours of 'uninterrupted rest') in the army due to the lights out timings and early reveille. Rather scarily, I noticed that there are rashes on the joins of my legs - much like those that plagued me as a child. God I pray that this doesn't re-emerge as a condition that I will have to battle. The day was one that I feared, not only because of the anticipation of physically arduous training, but also because of the worry of being alone - the 2 guys that I usually talk to (they're from Tekong) would be away for interviews (one for his IDA scholarship interview, the other for NUS' accounting). Which made this verse particularly apt:

Psalm 119:147 -
I rise before the dawning of the morning,
And cry for help;
I hope in Your word.

The morning's IPPT training was quite tough, especially because I am so weak physically. I'll admit that I skipped one or two exercises in a set - it isn't something to be proud about, but what am I to do when. We were supposed to settle our electronic-laser-tag-style shooting system thingamajigger right after that, but with the weather conspiring against any of such actions, we spent the rest of the morning relaxing in our bunks; I wish I had spent the time sleeping. Alternatively, it might have been because the sergeants weren't ready with the equipment required to do that, but regardless, the morning, with the exception of the IPPT training was rather restful (I suppose anything is restful relative to training). We did section fire-movement in the afternoon, again this wasn't too taxing (though I'd be lying if I said that I committed to memory everything that was taught there). That lasted till the late afternoon, and in the evening, we were surprised with a rather pleasant blessing - an early RO (sometime around 7+), that's highly unusual, but it afforded me with much needed sleep time.

03.05.12

James 1:2-4 - My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

I was uncertain, to say the least, about how this particular day would turn out - I suspected that it would be long, but whether the day would be exhausting or not was something that I couldn't anticipate. Regardless of the uncertainty, I had the reassurance that I was prepared for whatever thrown my way (hyperbole of course) thanks to the additional amount of sleep that I got courtesy of the early RO the night before. Combat Circuit was the activity that kick started the day - I failed to do it properly, as unlike the previous session, I had to fireman-lift/casualty-drag a heavier activity partner in the first round. After switching a partner (one who was willing to help me with those 2 activities), I suppose I should have been able to put in more effort into the other stations - yet I didn't, simply because there was so little incentive to, with everyone else cheating at it. I compromised on my desire to glorify my God in all that I did - that was something that didn't feel good, nor was it a proud moment. But I was equally glad that God still showed His mercy nevertheless by simply brining me through the activity, even if it was done in such an odd manner (of subverting the glory that He deserves). Oh Lord, You are truly mysterious in the ways that You work.

Subsequently, we left our camp for a simulated SAW and GPMG shoot in the IMT shooting gallery at Pasir Laba camp. It was a long ride, of which I was thankful was in an air-conditioned bus (as opposed to an uncomfortable one on a tonner) - that gave me some time to catch some shut-eye. Entering the camp, and noticing its surroundings, I was poignantly reminded of of how deprived AMQ camp truly is - the facilities at the camp that we visited were equal, if not better than those in Tekong; there were clean walls, generously landscaped avenues, roads devoid of potholes (OCS however is significantly more impressive). I suppose that has much to do with the fact that the camp served to train the SAF's next batch of commanders, but regardless. That aside, the afternoon there was spent mostly waiting for the half and hour or so that we spent inside the shooting gallery - I was so glad that I remembered to bring my Time magazine and my diary, both were excellent time killers (ironic considering the title of the magazine) apart from engaging in conversations. In between recording the various events and moments of the day, I wrote once again a prayer (a cry that has been repeated particularly frequently lately):

[God,] I know you hear my desperate cries in my prayers, I know my time here in AIT is one for me to grow - spiritually, physically and mentally, but I also pray that You keep your promise of freeing me from this environment, [and] transfer me to something that will be more suited to my physical and mental capacities after AIT.

It should be perfectly apparent that the key thing dominating my mind and my thoughts (at least since I found out about my postings) is leaving my position as a rifleman. Yet I am unwilling to do it based on lies (especially via a down-PES that hinges on a false medical condition); I am left with trusting the Lord.

That aside, I was down with the afternoon shoot by around 4pm, and after 'handling' a SAW and a GPMG in the simulated shoot, I fear that I would do quite terribly at the live shoot this coming Monday - I had missed at least 80% of the targets when I was using the SAW, and 50% of those on the GPMG. The metal scope of both weapons is terribly difficult to use accurately, and the recoil of the SAW in particular was a little too much for my bony frame to absorb.

04.05.12 It was a long time since I did my last road/route march, especially when one considers that I did not participate in the 24km one - my body was barely in the condition to do one. It was of little wonder that I feared the morning's first activity - a 4km + 2.2km march. Yet, as it was promised in Isaiah 40:26-31, the pain of the march did not prevent me from finishing the march. Yes I felt tired; my body was aching from the weight of everything (the ILBV, the soft plates inside it, the rifle and the field-pack). Yet it was by the grace of God that I survived, and I will survive future ones by that same grace. But to quote Richard III, I am I, so I shall ramble a little: The soft plates are truly devils - those things trap and retain heat to a very serious degree, their removal (along with that of the field-pack) was what that made the 2.2km afterwards a tad easier. Yet being at the back of a tactical route march isn't fun, especially when one has to do quite a fair bit of running to cover up the gaps and maintain a particular distance from the fella ahead.

The rest of the day was spent doing area cleaning. I shalln't elaborate any further on it other than mentioning that while I did most of the work again, at least my section mates helped.

There'll be a live shoot and a section field camp this coming week - both of which will prove to be trying events for me. I fear them, and I will continue to fear them, for I am only human. But at the very least, I know that I have the assurance that God will guide me and provide me with a way through them; He would protect me while I pass though them.