Rather oddly, I still seem to be living in the month of May, based on how many times I had to correct myself when it came to writing the date of each diary entry this week. I suppose change is hard to internalize, and accept.

03.06.12 Funnily enough, I had mentioned to a guy from church that I was doing better, especially after the previous week; he still seemed to sense the depression in my voice. In a perfect demonstration of dramatic irony (at least in retrospect, or at that point in time, from God's point of view), that terrible feeling of being down emerged once again at around 6pm, just prior to book-in. My face soured just before dinner, my angst worsened, and so did the sense of helplessness. That was the moment that I told my mom I was seriously considering the idea of suggesting to the MO that I was suffering from depression. She got rather dismayed, and whipped out a book on depression to prove to me that I was at best suffering from an adjustment disorder, that I had little to prove my case. I suppose she had a bit of a point - unless I explicitly stated that I had thoughts of self-harm, the MO would probably greet my self-diagnosis with skepticism (that's the way that he was). My melange of bad emotions was worsened by the fact that everything was rushed that particular evening - packing, dinner, changing and so on, simply because my mom returned late from a prior appointment. So much so that there wasn't a chance to give my parents a hug (it is a security blanket for me - no matter how juvenile it may seem in an Asian society). It was in the car that I was fully made aware of how my emotionally (self) destructive behavior was affecting more than just myself - it was affecting my parents too. My mom expressed, in a rather agitated state that she too felt helpless, and consequently, that her success as a parent was being called into question. I'm sure my dad felt the same; he just didn't voice it out. Such words made me feel so terrible - I wouldn't want my emotions to affect another in such a manner, but at the same time, that made me feel even more helpless.

Earlier on in the day, my mom had related to me that a few nights ago, she had a dream - one that she couldn't quite recall, other than the fact that it involved me being in a different role or position in the unit/army. I would love to view this as a divine revelation, but at the same time, both my mother and I also recognize how deep-seated desires may manifest themselves in dreams. I most sincerely pray that this is a sign from God, and not the latter.

04.06.12

Romans 8:37-39 - Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

"I suspect I will always remain down here, but that mustn't stop me from brining God praise, because His love and mercy for me is unceasing, and He has blessed me so richly with loving parents." This was the first few words that I wrote for the day's entry, and I suppose it only reflects how much the previous night's events have affected me.

The morning started off with a bunkmate being late in falling in because he had fallen asleep - honestly, I was the last one to leave the room, and I saw no such sight. Though in retrospect, it was probably because he was bunched up under a blanket, and the image of that would not be very different from how he normally leaves his bed. He got into some degree of trouble for that. After breakfast came a 2.2km run that proved to be quite tiring at the start. I won't deny that I have a great degree of inertia when it comes to things in the morning - I suppose that played a part, but rather thankfully, the run improved as it progressed (that being said, it is still no stroll in the park).

On an off-kilter note, I finally heard the song "Call Me Maybe" over the weekend, and I've come to realise that those who sang it in camp were either musically challenged, or they simply loved to be annoying.

What came afterwards was much more relaxed - most of it was spent in bunk (till sometime in the evening), as quite a number of people (40 or so) had to leave the camp to get fitted for their No. 1 uniforms; some people were drafted to participate in the battalion's 50^th anniversary parade/celebrations. Rather ironically, it was during a time when we were relatively stationary and in a state of rest (in our bunks) that the flux of life made itself apparent. My buddy's attempt to down-PES was successful, and he was to be posted to a new company by the evening. Clothes were packed, the bed stripped of its bed linen, goodbyes said. Sometime around 3pm, he left the bunk for good. "Goodbye my friend, it was nice knowing you, thank you for being a source of support during my AIT days, someone to talk to. I wish you the best" - that was what I wrote in my diary. Sure, I was happy for him, but that didn't make me any less envious.

And that was Monday - a day of emotional battle, the battlefield of the mind (I'm alluding to a devotional plan that I've started, but have yet to come anywhere near to completion on YouVersion).

05.06.12

Loneliness is an absolute discovery

That quote from Marilynne Robinson's Housekeeping (I happen to be re-reading that book) was particularly apt for the day - in both the night before, and in the morning, the empty bed, devoid of any life proved to be a particularly inescapable reminder to me of not having my buddy there. "You realise that you when you leave and enter reality, you are all alone - both the sense of loss, and envy hits you" - that was what I wrote, that was how I felt.

Tuesday began with another session of IPPT, and as with the previous time, passing was still an issue for me. But at the very least, there were improvements; I shaved off 8 seconds from my shuttle-run, I did an additional pull-up, my standing broad jump measurement went up by 4cm. These are all minute increments, but I do certainly hope that they are the start of something.

After which came a UO training - specifically, how we were to clear stairs, blocked rooms, along with how to use some assorted tools to do so. There's nothing specific that I have to say about this, other than the fact that it was slightly draggier than expected, but that wasn't entirely bothersome. We also received life-vests on this particular day - it was something that we had to use in the coming week for a costal hook operation/practice/exercise, and the rest of the afternoon was spent practicing how to jettison/get rid of the ILBV and weapon should we get into a situation that deems it necessary. All I can say is that the life-vest proves to be more life-threatening than saving when it is paired with an ILBV - it is particularly suffocating.

06.06.12

Nahum 1:7 - The Lord is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble; And He knows those who trust in Him.

Isaiah 40:31 - But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

I suppose we all need a little bit of support every now and then - it would seem that I need it a little more than others. The morning presented a morning run, which was something that we have not done in quite a while. It was a bit of a battle, much like life, albeit on a micro scale, but I must trust in the Lord to provide me with strength and mercy.

After breakfast came another installment of mobility training - though this one was not as relaxed as previous episodes. It was an amalgamation of other training exercises such as combat circuit, but that being said, it was still relatively tame compared to other trainings. The morning breeze was also a welcomed respite, as was the overcast sky - that definitely made training a lot more bearable. Subsequently, using mock boats (which were nothing more than tape on the asphalt shaped to follow the outline of a boat), we ran through some things that we needed to know for the upcoming costal hook exercise. It also included yet another session of practicing how to jettison our stuff - I believe I got a few panic attacks trying to breathe with the ginormous mass that was choking my neck. Equally discomforting was the realisation that my section would be in charge of trekking in the water - we'd get very wet.

Lunch was followed by a talk/workshop on heat injury - it would seem that that was becoming an increasingly prevalent accident in the SAF. Nothing particularly interesting about that, except that we were made to stand and sit repeatedly because some individuals fell asleep. Personally I do not believe in the efficiency and necessity of group punishments, but evidently, I am not in a position to do much about my beliefs. Afterwards came good news - we would be getting a night's out that evening (thereby proving certain rumors that had been going around that day as true). But it wasn't all entirely a blessing. Due to long-drawn delays here and there, we only left camp at around 7.20pm, and we had to report back by 9.15pm. It was less than 2 hours outside, and because of that, quite a number chose to simply forfeit this privilege. I didn't, and because I had a ride home, I managed to spend just under an hour with my family. It was tight, and I wasn't too pleased that my time was wasted earlier, but beggars can't be choosers, and I would rather have that hour with my loved ones than none at all.

07.06.12

Jeremiah 39:18 - "For I will surely deliver you, and you shall not fall by the sword; but your life shall be as a prize to you, because you have put your trust in Me," says the Lord.

Thursday was a restful day - that made this verse even more apt in reminding me that the Lord would always provide me with a rescue plan, no matter the circumstances. It is with that knowledge that I will continue to have faith that I will be posted to a better place eventually - I choose not to see that as deluded or wishful thinking, but as placing my hope in a greater power.

The day was restful because all of our commanders had their own training to attend - the would be away for the entire day, sans one sergeant who would have to (rather unfortunately on his part) deal with the rest of the company. The morning began later than usual - reveille was at 5.45am, which was our usual fall-in timing, and the rest of the day was spent doing something called 'Hazard hunting', which involved us walking on the IPPT route to see if there were any threats to our safety (I'm rather glad that there's actually such an initiative) and pretty much nothing else. The entire afternoon was ours, with the exception of a rather oddly inserted stand-by bed at 5pm (we did need to take some time to clean up the bunk, but that wasn't too bad). Oh and my new buddy joined our bunk on this day - he's another Tekong guy. Well at least I'll have someone (of a similar background) to be with.

08.06.12 We were supposed to have a 5km run, and company cohesion on this day. The latter didn't happen - which everyone was especially happy about. I shalln't say any more about this day other than the fact that I booked out at slightly past 1pm, and for that I am very grateful.

The coming week will be tough - God please help me!