I have a brand new journal (still the same model from Muji) to inaugurate the start of my life as a professional rifleman. I am in no way pleased with my present position, but God, do help me turn to You for strength, and through that and other means, offer you the praise you deserve.

Three nights: Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. That was the amount of time spent in camp this week, as I returned from the wonderfully relaxed days of rest that I had to mark the end of AIT. It was by no means an easy one, the days were long, but respite came midways and for that I am grateful. This is what transpired over the course of those few days and nights:

30.05.12 Based on the routine orders (RO for short) of the night before, Wednesday seemed poised to be a long day, of which the pain it inflicted would be further compounded by poor sleep the night before. Waking up every hour or so was not something to savor, rather, it was something to be despised - mosquitoes and a stuffy bunk were key ingredients to this. Greeted by a sense of fatigue in the morning, I dragged my way down the stairs to face the day that lay ahead - it was supposed to begin with 5BX, but that thankfully was cut (presumably due to time constraints). The day was started properly with a cadence run, one that I felt wasn't entirely pleasant. I felt somewhat dazed throughout the run, and later on, my left foot began to feel rather numb. It was an extraordinarily surreal feeling, to feel the physical strain of running, and yet feel as though one were floating through it. I suppose it was because I was floating through it that I decided not to sound off about my fatigued state (though I won't deny that the thought had crossed my mind several times). Immediately after came Strength Training - this time, the exercises utilized one's body weight rather than free weights. Evidently, the strength that was needed to pull oneself through it was lacking in me, and by the 2nd set, I was a tad too weary to continue, so I fell out. Napping by the side for that minute moment did some wonders, even if the rest was interrupted by the constant whistle-blowing and shouts of my surroundings.

Respite came in the form of a 15 minute nap for me later on, while we were waiting for the next activity to begin - a recap on how to handle our weapons. It was through that, that I found out I was officially the section's 2nd SAW handler - that was something that disheartened me a fair bit; to be a spare gunner meant that there was still a foreseeable hope in being redundant and through that, sent elsewhere. Lunch was spent with such thoughts of despair lingering in my head, and this particular thought:

God can do anything, but would He?

That was a rather painful though to contemplate - faith in His deliverance was what I needed, and continue to need. Carrying on with the weapon handling training after lunch, we revised the stripping and assembling of a SAW weapon. I was rather glad to know that assembling proved to no longer be an Achilles heel to me, but stripping still did. A few tries (i.e. at least 4-5 attempts) offered some degree of improvement, but still no guarantee of a Recon 1 standard (basically, a term used to denote a near perfect capacity to deal with that particular weapon - I might have spelt it wrongly though) - that came and went with as much caprice as the whims of a toddler. Following that came something known as Circuit Training - initially, many of us thought it was yet another installment of something else that we had done previously: combat circuit, but we were proved wrong. It was actually an amalgamation of other PT sessions that we had, though what it entailed exactly I cannot be sure - a thunderstorm emerged midways and cut the activity short.

31.05.12

I look to find You down on my knees, oh God I believe, please help me believe.

Numbers 14:8-9 - [Caleb said to the Israelites:] "If the Lord delights in us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us, 'a land which flows with milk and honey.'Only do not rebel against the Lord, nor fear the people of the land, for they are our bread; their protection has departed from them, and the Lord is with us. Do not fear them."

When dark clouds surround us, pray for eyes of faith to see beyond the norm and the natural, for faith that won't waver.

What lies above are 2 chunks that I used to try to inspire myself on this particular day. The first is a line from Switchfoot's song Sooner or Later (Soren's Song), the latter a text that my mom sent me (she does so daily, encouraging me with biblical verses, some of which feature in my various recollections of my life in camp). Below was the chunk of text that I wrote just after those that you see above:

Oh God, with each day that I remain as a rifleman, I feel more and more hurt within, even if my external self seems to be adapting - I am hurting [inside] because I feel that you aren't answering my desperate cries. Oh God, but You are merciful - You will deliver me, just help me believe that.

But enough of the dalliances with my emotional pain - I must return to faithfully reporting the events of this particular Thursday.

Military life tends to become rather routine, and this Thursday morning was not much of an exception - breakfast, drawing one's weapon from the armory, and some physical training (PT). This particular morning, PT was yet another installment of Strength Training, and it proved to be especially tiring, despite the fact that we did little more than one and a half of the required sets. I suppose the sergeants cut it midways not only because of time constraints, but also because it would be futile to continue when most of us lacked the required strength to actually continue with the exercises.

Afterwards came a [seemingly haphazardly inserted] session of area cleaning and a stand-by bed inspection. I had just barely started sweeping the room when the commanders entered. Naturally I'd leave it one side, it wouldn't be polite to continue. That's when a particularly flippant sergeant decided to take issue with that, and poured out the content of the dustpan. That really peeved me - the question of what that dustpan was doing there was certainly redundant, and so was his gesture afterwards. How very rude and unrespectable.

The week saw several sessions of weapon handling revisions, and after the area cleaning moment came yet another - this time, I was tested on handling both a SAW (the one which I practiced a tad bit) and a SAR 21 (I hadn't touched one in quite a while). The test for the latter went relatively smoothly I suppose, stripping a SAW still took me 2 tries to get a Recon 1 standard, as for dealing with the latter weapon, I had to get a bit of guidance to do it properly. Rather ironically, that help came from the sergeant who had earlier done what I deemed as quite annoying, and in a calm and patient manner. It would seem that moods can swing quite drastically in the army. But that aside, I was glad to have passed.

The greatest surprise of the day however was what came in the evening - Nights Out. It would be my second one so far, the first of which came in the last week of AIT. Much like the previous one, I spent it with my family, though instead of dining at some restaurant, it was a simple meal at home. Nevertheless, it was still a good evening, despite the fact that the time spent outside was a tad bit shorter than what we got the previous time. I won't deny that I didn't expect such a blessing, nor will I deny that I wished that I didn't need to return afterwards - focusing on one's self-interests is a very human thing, being appreciative is something that takes some discipline.

01.06.12 This was our book-out day, but to be honest, that seemed such a distant thing at the start of the day, despite the fact that it was the first time a targeted book-out time was given - 8pm. We had 2 events on this rather long day: IPPT and a mini Section Battle-course.

IPPT was the reason why we had to be ready for breakfast at 5.15am - extremely early by the standards of most normal and sane individuals. It would seem however that the reveille timing was not made known to all the commanders, and we (i.e. the plain foot soldier/'men' - I hesitate to use either, as in all honesty, I still deem myself a child) were left waiting in the lurch. It was only at 5.30am to 5.40am that commanders began to show up and lead us to breakfast - lost sleep is what it is, something to mourn about. IPPT itself was not something to cheer about, at least for me. I'm particularly terrible at all the stations, with the exception of sit-ups, and worse is the fact that I've worsened at some, relative to my time in Tekong - namely shuttle run and the 2.4km run. I guess that can be attributed partially to my damp and slippery shoes; perhaps I'm making excuses. I could see that some people were terribly disappointed about not attaining a silver standard - they stood to earn $100 for that, and if they got a gold standard, $200 would pop into their bank accounts.

Afterwards came the section battle course, consisting of 2 fire-movement drills, and 1 breaching drill. Rather annoyingly, we were required to apply camo-cream onto our faces, but I suppose that was to be expected. And because of delays here and there, my group began the course just after 2pm, later than what we had expected, but then again, how often were our expectations (especially when it came to timings) met. That (whine and ramble) aside, I must say that by and large, my group's attempt at the course went quite smoothly - I definitely have to attribute it to effective leaders guiding us through. Now the bad bit: despite my caution, it was still impossible to ensure that there were no missing expended (blank) rounds - that really frustrated me; how could that happen despite my caution and care?

All in all, the week went by in a far smoother fashion than I had expected. Without doubt, there were still the bouts of depressive emotions that lingered around, but I suppose it was by the grace of God that they did not manifest themselves as aggressively as they had in the past. And the unexpected moment of respite on Thursday night was definitely a blessing.

But while I can see God working through tiny ways, I will still remain bold and pray/beg/ask/seek a better vocation - this one is far from suited to me. After all, the great men and women of the bible asked, and received eventually, even if there was a wait, for they asked in faith and in courage, knowing that He provides. For He is good and His mercy endures forever. Lord I pray You won't disappoint - You didn't for my mother's prayers in the past for a job where she could better use her counseling skills, she just had to wait, and I'm sure You won't for me.

"oh God I believe, please help me believe"