I need to learn how to pray, to continually trust and wait in faith. As with every book-in, this one featured yet another episode of low spirits. But unlike the previous episodes, I tried; I made a conscious effort to be a little less down. It didn't entirely work, but at least I tried.

It's hard not to feel down about being in my camp - not only am I in the (insert ideal word here) platoon in the company, but my physical condition limits and hinders me from excelling in what I am forced to do - no one enjoys being bad at something.

I suppose I have the following verses to take comfort in:

Luke 18:7 - And shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them?

Psalm 68:28 - Summon your power, God; show us your strength, our God, as you have done before.

I suppose I should start writing about the events of the week. We're undergoing something called Rotation 1 this week, along with the next - the key feature of these two weeks are the external trainers from MTI (I believe it stands for Motorised Training Institute, correct me if I'm wrong).

11.06.12 Breakfast in camp tends to be particularly mediocre - more so than any other meal of the day, especially when it involves some sort of fried noodle. That was exactly how Monday began, but then again, I mustn't complain. After all, is not the food far better today than it was in the past, am I not being fed (rather fully if I may add). I suppose I really need to learn how to appreciate the little things in life to truly grasp how God is blessing me each day; I seem to have the capacity to see this only in retrospect, but that's a start is it not?

What came after breakfast was a cadence run - 1.6km, there isn't much to say about it because such runs have become quite a bit of a routine, other than the fact that I completed it. Following that was a nice time of rest up till after lunch, before a short session of weapons training (the SAW in my case) conducted by the people from MTI. It wasn't exactly a proper session of training - a revision would be a more apt word. Ending the session at 3.30pm allowed for yet another restful period afterwards - I'm grateful for such moments, but the following thoughts were also in my heart as I rested: "I fear the coming days, particularly the 3 days of outfield exercises. I sincerely hope to book-out on Friday).

12.06.12 It was clear that this week would be rather focused on outfield missions - the 2nd day's events achieved that. It was yet another round of practice breaching (the process of breaking apart a chain of barbed wire to get into enemy territory) as well as a bit of practice for the beach assault next week. It's funny how we are actually learning how to attack, when Singapore's military force was intended for defence (i.e. deterence) purposes.

Based on the schedule (it was a rather light day), many of us expected a nights out to happen on Tuesday evening. Apparently, that was the plan as well, but alas, it wasn't meant to be - it was cancelled at the last minute to gain some time to alter our preparations for the outfield exercise the next day. I suppose it not much was lost anyway, the 2-3 hours or so that are given during a nights out is a tad bit short anyway.

13.06.12 - 15.06.12

Isaiah 43:2 - When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

I've never enjoyed outfield exercises; they are just completely out of my comfort zone - the mud, physical strain, sweat and mental toll. Rather ironically, I'm posted to a vocation that features a lot of such situations. Rambles aside, I won't deny that the 3 days were met with similar apprehension. Yet I felt as if there was this little voice of comfort that assured me, that things wouldn't be as bad as I envisage them to be. I'd like to think of that as the grace of God being manifested.

The 3 days were held at the Murai Urban Training Facility, as well as the nearby Lim Chu Kang training grounds. Day one was relatively lax, especially when it is compared with the second day; what we did was essentially a revision of urban operation tactics, especially within a section. I don't exactly know what to write about it because quite honestly, I have forgotten what has happened - that's the problem with not keeping a diary (it's rather difficult to do so when I'm out of camp). What I do remember however was that it was a really hot day, and at the end of the day, I was rather soaked with sweat - not a good thing when you only have one other set of uniform to last you for two more days. Thankfully a section mate had the foresight to remind me about bringing additional undergarments and socks - I definitely wouldn't want to wear those for three consecutive days. And I had sufficient soap sponges to clean myself up a bit - that really made the night (i.e. my sleep) better; one really has to take whatever possible means to alleviate the discomfort of outfield environments, be it a jungle undergrowth or a hard and dusty concrete floor.

Day two wasn't anywhere as easy as the first - on the contrary, it was extremely exhausting, both physically and mentally. I'm speaking primarily about the night portion of the day, but elaborations on that will come soon. The morning began at 5.45am, started off with breakfast, sans the (almost) obligatory act of brushing one's teeth. Yes, it is particularly difficult to do that when one is outfield - I struggle with accepting that, I insisted on doing so in all my previous field camps, at the expense of additional (and much needed) rest. This time around, water was my only solvent (of bacteria). Breakfast consisted of a rather sad looking slice of luncheon meat (which I wrapped with a slice of bread to eat with) and a char siew pao. The morning training was essentially the same as the night's, and perhaps that was why the day was so tiring - it involved trekking through a forested patch for around a kilometre or so, before sliding down a slope into an 'urban' setting and charging through 4 buildings. Perhaps I'm being a little dismissive of the training in the way that I speak of it, but I feel it is easier to simply state what we did, rather than mask it behind a storyline, or maybe it's me just not taking things seriously. I'd like to think it's the former. The night training was especially difficult for me because of the following reasons: 1. I was physically fatigued - that's about as direct as I can put it. 2. My gun (well it's not actually mine, I borrowed it from someone else because the SAW I was assigned to is still being worked on) was being terrible to work with - it wouldn't fire properly. 3. The night vision equipment that I had to attach to my helmet couldn't stay attached - it ended up being a weight that dangled around my neck. 4. My goggles fogged up ceaselessly; who'd know that it would be hard to see with practically obscured vision. 5. A sense of breathlessness - courtesy of factors 1 and 3, as well as the constant running and jumping and climbing around that we had to do. Yes I am weak, I won't deny that. But I suppose it is in my weakness that God's strength is made known, at least I survived through the 2nd day, arduous and physically draining as it was. One moment however that I am not proud of was how I ended up complaining quite a bit (with an occasional swear tossed in) about my wearied state - that ticked off one of the MTI instructors towards the end. It wasn't a shining moment for myself, but I also wasn't too pleased that I was being judged based on that odd moment of folly - I normally strive to restrain and myself. Oh well, I can't exactly blame him as well.

I'm far too tired to continue writing at this moment, and I doubt I will ever revisit this post to expand it.

But I must say that despite the arduousness of the last few days of this week, I still saw the grace of God - I pray that will continue into the next week, which I suspect wouldn't be any easier than this week. I guess I will just have to trust, trust and then wait.