It has been quite some time since I last blogged about anything, much less about my army life; I suppose things have either been too busy (i.e. a short weekend, activities etc.) or that I have been rather lazy - it does take quite a bit of effort (not to mention time - a very precious commodity) to pour out my thoughts and rambles.

In the past month or so, quite a bit has happened; moods have rose and fell, faith has surged and waned, my body has been rejuvenated and worn down. Its cyclical and unceasing, much like the ebbing of sea currents. And since it would take far too much (unnecessary) effort to actually reflect on the many mundane moments of that period, I'll just stick with the highlights.

9TH AUGUST - SINGAPORE'S NATIONAL DAY For quite a few weekends prior to that day, we've been stationed at the Marina Bay area on Saturdays to do some form of crowd management for the NDP rehearsals. This day was the final one, the one that would put an end to the few weeks of Monday night book-ins that we've been having. Everything went smoothly, not unlike how it was with the previous weeks. Everything went smoothly, except for one thing - my allergic reaction, which I had briefly mentioned some time ago. It was the cause for a miserable evening, and a terrible way to spend (or rather, the inability to spend) the few off-duty days that we had received. The consolation however was that the allergic reaction gave me a reason to get two more days of MC (I wasn't fully well by Tuesday), and so, that gave me a really short week in camp. One and a half days to be precise, and those days were really restful as well - especially since there was a Hari Raya celebration in camp.

MY RAISON D'ETRE - I'd type it in proper French if the blogging software I used would simply stop messing up foreign characters when it published things. I don't exactly remember the moment that I suddenly had a bout of an existential doubt, but I do know it came about when I was contemplating my interests, my distaste for the army, and how life will play out - we fight to work, to survive, and then to die. I truly want to lead a meaningful and enriching life, but if it were all to cease so abruptly and insidiously, then what was the point of anything at all? I suppose Dr. Frankl's notion that one must have the will to meaning is extremely true - life hinges on its purpose. Hence the aptness of a verse that I found the next day:

Psalm 119:116-117 - Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me, and I will be delivered; I will always have regard for your decrees.

DISCOVERY Sometime in the month, I found out that Ansen got a new post in the armskote of his unit - it is good news, and I am happy for him; life will be so much better, as opposed to him having to be on 7 days of continuous guard duty. And it was made possible through the people that God had placed in his camp, things played out nicely (over time, in a really unexpected manner). And it was through this moment that he saw the grace and love of God; that is something worth rejoicing about. Yet it was also a bittersweet moment for me. Out of my close group of friends, I was the only one still trapped. It was terrible and selfish for me to feel this way - I hate myself for that. But I really want to be doing something less taxing, both physically and emotionally.

OUTFIELD BEGINS I hate being out in the field. It's dirty, bug-infested (those that creep around creepily and those that annoyingly bite), but above all (or perhaps, as a result of those), it is the severe loss of personal comfort that I cannot stand at all. And there were two in the week that just passed, not to mention that there will be more ahead in the coming weeks.

The first one was the platoon live shoot (on a Monday), and it was supposed to have been a really easy day for me. With the exception of bashing through some bits of vegetation, all I had to do was wait till it was over, without even firing a single shot. That was what I thought was in store for me, that was indeed supposed to have been the case for me, until members of my platoon started falling out, be it via simply not turning up to camp the night before, or by taking MCs. It is indeed a problem that plagues my camp (and I am sure, other camps for that matter). I ended up being a replacement for one missing guy. That wasn't so bad, I consoled myself. And it was true, until the weather started getting torrential. It was far from what I wanted - prior experience had taught me that. I did not want to end up being in pools of mud, but honestly, I would rather do that than to have the activity postponed to what would most probably be on a weekend. The rain finally ceased at around 2pm - just in time for us to start with the blank shoot (every live shoot must be preceded by a blank practice - while it's tiresome, it's a safety practice that I agree with). After trekking through vegetation for slightly over a kilometre, we were about to commence with the shoot, and then it rained again. Heavily - that resulted in the shoot being cancelled yet again, except this time, we were soaked in the process. Everything else in the day went relatively smoothly, except for the lingering discomfort of being wet (not only were the clothes on our backs soaked, so were our feet - they were swimming in water-logged boots). It goes without saying that the rain caused the grounds to get muddy - and we were muddied, but that was not as grave an annoyance and discomfort as the state of wetness that we were in. We were cold and wet - and by a certain point, hungry, all the makings of being miserable. I was just thankful that the day was over. And one more thing: I had left my blank attachment (it is a small metal contraption added to the rifle to allow it to fire blank rounds) not far from the place where we departed - that freaked me out ridiculously. I didn't want to get into any trouble for losing a weapon part, and I was insanely upset with myself for being so careless. Long story short, it was found (rather easily might I add), and I was not punished - it is the grace of God that I have to thank for that. I suppose that was the only good thing that came out of the day, apart from being spared any lightning strikes and being shot by rounds.

The next one was a platoon outfield exercise. This one was marginally better than the live shoot, though it was not any less tiring. We had to dig a shell scrape (basically, a shallow trench/pit in the ground) to rest in the night before - we did in close to complete darkness, save for a torch light. It was excruciatingly frustrating to do that - not only was one battling a task that would be tiring on its own, it was made more difficult by the darkness, and in addition, the heat rashes that I had developed as a result of Monday's activity. All I can say is that I was amazed that God had brought me through the whole entire night - it felt like eternity when I was digging that hole. We were supposed to stay awake at some point in the night to guard the place, but I fell asleep during my shift, and I must say, it was truly necessary - the next day's activity would be immensely tiring. We were to attack enemies (rather ironically, these were played by some those who tried to weasel their way out of attending this outfield exercise by getting a MC) who dotted a very long and steep incline, but not before an insanely arduous trek through vegetation - that lasted over 4 hours. It was supposed to be around 4 kilometres, but it felt far longer, and I am sure that it was, given the detours that were made here and there. And just when that was over, we had yet another mission to complete - to attack another enemy hideout. It was supposedly near to where we ended the previous attack, but that walk took another 2 hours.

Truly, I say, outfield is ridiculously silly. And tiring.

And that is all that I have to say.